Narrative Writing: Student Example "On The Run"

This example narrative essay was written by one of my 15-year-old students, with my detailed notes on feedback and marking. This was one of her first attempts at writing (her exam board is AQA GCSE English Language, but most English exams have similar questions and mark schemes to this one ) and I think she did really well! She received 27/40 as a mark for it, which translates to 67%, or a solid B / Level 6 grade.

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THE QUESTION

Write a story with the title “On The Run”.

On the run

Fuming, I ran as fast as I could along the deserted lane, my heart pounding in my chest. I had only been moving for a few minutes but my legs already felt like they were carrying a huge weight, and I was beginning to regret all the P.E sessions I had skived off at school. In my head I was imagining my parents’ anxious faces when they realised I was gone. Or would they care? Probably not, they were likely pleased that I was out of their way, the selfish brats they were. Well, I didn’t care anyway. I was fourteen now and i could look after myself. Consumed in my thoughts, I arrived at a junction, and with a slight leap of my heart realised that I wasn’t entirely sure where I was . . .

What seemed like hours passed by and I eventually slowed into a walk. My legs were now so wrecked that I could barely feel them and was starting to feel slightly delirious. I had not eaten for goodness know how long and my body was certainly in need of a well deserved rest. Looking around me I noticed that the light had begun to dim and the trees now hung over me as if they were guarding me. Suddenly a piercing sound filled the air around me. At first I wasn’t quite sure what it was and thought that I was just hallucinating, then with a shout of horror I realised that it was a police siren. Immediately, I knew they must be coming for me and I rushed towards a set of trees slightly ahead.

I weaved through the never ending forest and eventually the siren began to fade. With a sigh of relief, I threw my rucksack on the ground and sat myself down on a nearby tree stump, taking in my surroundings. With a shock I realised that it was now completely dark and with even more panic I realised that I had no idea where I was. I was now beginning to wish I was back in my warm bed at home with a lasagne in my stomach. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why I had ever left in the first place. I mean, I was still annoyed at my parents but was it really so bad as to leave home?

Before i could think any more, a low growl sounded behind me. I shot up from where I was sitting and whipped around. At first all I saw was the faint outline of the dense trees and the bright light radiating off full moon. Then I saw it. The emerald gleam of two piercing eyes floating in between two trees. I didn’t give it a seconds thought. I turned round and sprinted as fast as I could away from the creature, leaving my bag abandoned on the floor in my wake. I could hear the branches snapping behind me, and I knew that it was chasing me.

All of a sudden my foot hit a branch and I went flying to the ground. With a yell of pain I felt the jaws grab my leg and begin to pull me undoubtedly towards its lair. With a glimpse I saw that the animal was a wolf. That was when I knew I had no chance. The wolf had me and there was no doubt more wolves who would come running soon as they got a whiff of my blood. Suddenly another howl filled the air, which this time did not come from me. I noticed that the wolf had released me and I faintly heard a set of legs scarpering away into the distance. I looked up and with a feeling of unexpected pleasure I saw my mother hovering over me, holding a branch. She had saved my life.

“Are you alright?” she asked humorously, as if I would be absolutely fine, considering i had just been attacked by a wolf. But I did not care. Unable to speak, i just grinned at her, happiness radiating off me. She helped me up and supported me on my good leg, where she took me over to where my father stood standing by our car. I suddenly realised how much my parents actually meant to me. They loved and cared for me and that was something that I should treasure in life. As dad took me in his arms I told myself that I would never run away again.

MARK SCHEME:

Link to the mark scheme.

TEACHER’S NOTES FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Include really complex + specific / sophisticated vocab
Sentence types – ‘one word sentence’ – simple, compound, complex.
Match your register to audience
Punctuation – as many different types as you can
Dialogue needs to be used
More storylike phrasing e.g. ‘Little did I know’ / ‘It became clear to me at that moment’ ‘Finally I .. ‘ etc – we call these ‘discourse markers’
Structuring – have more smaller pieces of dialogue that are set apart from the paragraphs, to make your structure look less regular and more like a story

MARKING:

Technical Accuracy: